Incoming call

Santa tried to talk to Milo. Milo is nine.

Santa has delivered to every house on Earth. Nothing prepared him for this.

0:00

SantaHo ho ho! Hello there! This is Santa Claus, calling all the way from the North Pole. Is Milo there?

MiloSix seven.

SantaSix... seven? Is that how old you are?

MiloNo, I'm nine.

SantaThen why did you say six seven?

MiloSix seven.

SantaI see. And what are you hoping for this Christmas, Milo?

MiloBro. Your aura is crazy. You're aura farming with the sleigh.

SantaI do have a small farm. For the reindeer.

MiloLast year the dog ate your cookies. That's a fanum tax.

SantaOh dear. Mrs. Claus handles our taxes. Is that state or federal?

MiloYou're so Ohio.

SantaI've been to Ohio! Lovely people. Every single house.

MiloTralalero tralala.

SantaFa la la la la! Ho ho! Yes! You know the song!

MiloNo. That's a shark. It has Nikes.

SantaMilo, what would you like Santa to bring you?

MiloTung Tung Tung Sahur. The plushie.

SantaTung tung tung. Got it. Three tungs.

MiloNo. Nine. It has to be nine, or he comes to your house.

SantaMilo, I have flown through blizzards and lightning, and I have never been this frightened.

MiloYou're actually chill. Plus ten thousand aura.

SantaThank you, Milo. Merry Christmas. Six seven.

MiloMinus a million aura. Bye.

Emailed to Milo's dad, five minutes after the call

Milo's wish list, straight from the North Pole

Wants most

A Tung Tung Tung Sahur plushie. Nine tungs. He was firm about the nine.

Every wish

  • A Tung Tung Tung Sahur plushiePlease count the tungs. I am told this matters for the safety of the household.

For the grown-ups only

  • I am told my aura is crazy. I am told that is good.
  • The dog ate last year's cookies, and Milo calls this a tax. Mrs. Claus has opened a file.
  • He said six seven twice and declined to explain.
  • I said it back once. I lost a million aura. If you know how a person gets it back, please write.

Santa

Now imagine it's your kid.

Santa calls them by name and finds out what they're really wishing for. You get the recording and his notes.

Book Santa's call, $19

Milo isn't real. This is a made-up call, performed by synthetic voices for laughs. On a real call Santa is warm, sticks to what you tell him, and never promises a gift.